If you ask me which trial has shaken my faith the most, I would, without a doubt, point to my most recent one. It led me to question God’s goodness to the point that I began growing bitter toward Him. Calling it a fierce trial would be an understatement.
The experience involved the end of a romantic relationship that I genuinely believed God had arranged. I had fasted and prayed, asking for confirmations, and believed I had received them. One of those confirmations, in particular, felt as though it had been carried out by an angel. The man pursuing me also appeared to be certain. He even told me that the only reason he had moved from friendship (we had known each other for close to a year before that) to pursuing a relationship was that he felt prompted by God. He believed there had been confirmations along the way as well.
After he formally met my mother, but before we moved forward to the next stage of the relationship, I suggested that we fast and pray and stop seeing each other for however long it would take to be sure. He wanted one final, major confirmation from God before committing. I wanted to avoid going through the process of reading books on marriage together, meeting my pastor, and taking other steps toward marriage, only for him to eventually say that God had not given him the confirmation he needed.
After a few days of fasting, he met with me and shared that he felt we were called to different things. He added that he had more peace about not continuing the relationship and believed that peace was God speaking to him.
I was devastated.
I wept bitterly before God for many nights, asking Him why He had allowed me to hope, only for that hope to be taken away. Why would He allow me to believe in one thing, only for the man who had pursued me to believe something different? My questions gradually became even more painful. Was I not good enough for the man who had pursued me? Was God punishing me?
I had reached a point where I was questioning God’s goodness. I felt abandoned, and in that pain, it crossed my mind that if God had abandoned me, should I not abandon Him too? My faith was brought to the verge of collapse. More than once, I had to beg God to fortify my faith because I told Him that if He did not save my faith, who would? And more than once, I asked Him to just take my life.
But God remained faithful. He never failed to send people to reach out to me when I needed prayer the most. On one occasion, He also brought Isaiah 54 to my heart, and the chapter deeply encouraged me.
This experience revealed something in my heart that I had not fully recognized before. I had placed so much confidence in my own faith. I realized how prideful I had been and how much I still treated my relationship with God transactionally.
I always call myself a bondservant of God. And if that is the case, isn’t it up to Him how He wants to use my life? Isn’t He free to give and take away? And should I not remain loyal to Him regardless of the circumstances?
Considering what God has done for me by sending His own Son to die on the cross for my sins, I could serve Him all the days of my life and even die for the gospel, and that would still not be enough to repay His kindness. I could sing praises and worship Him for eternity, and even that would not be sufficient.
The trial lasted for two months. For two whole months, I was bitter toward God. Then, one evening in Dallas, I found myself weeping in a hotel room, lying face down and asking God to forgive me for my bitterness toward Him.
I still don’t think I have all the answers, but so what? Blessed be the name of the Lord! He is worthy of my worship in seasons of blessing and in seasons of breaking. I don’t need to understand everything. If that trial brought me closer to God and helped me grow in Christlikeness, and it did, then that was reason enough!
And I have moved on.
For the longest time, I prayed for God’s will to be done in my life, whatever that might look like. But I feel that God has been challenging me to have joyful and hopeful expectations and to get excited about what is to come.
The day after I repented, I went to the UPPERROOM prayer room in Dallas. During the prayer meeting, the worship leader shared that she felt God wanted her to tell those in the room:
And so, I am choosing to do that. In faith, I eagerly wait for and look forward to what God has in store for me. Blessed be the name of the Lord!