I had been discerning whether to share this deeply personal prayer, but I feel led to do so in the hope that it might encourage others.
I wrote this in July, during the most trying season of this year, and perhaps of my life thus far. What made this trial different from the others was that, instead of feeling as though I had been wronged by other people or that my suffering was the result of difficult life circumstances, I felt as though God Himself had led me to hope for something, only to let me down. In other words, I felt as though I was being played by God.
Throughout my Christian journey, I have had to learn to forgive others and accept circumstances beyond my control. In those situations, my faith in God was the only thing that enabled me to forgive and endure. And so, this trial struck me differently because it made me question the very God I had always turned to for strength. I began to wonder whether He was truly for me and, consequently, whether He was worthy of my trust. Satan bombarded me with lies that I was tempted to believe. Some nights, I wrestled with God, but even when I thought my faith would fail, He did not let it happen.
Lord Jesus,
Thank You for Your patience with me. I still praise You, O Lord. I still worship You. You are my God. You are my Savior. You are my Rock. You are my Father. You are my Master. You are my King. I have nowhere else to go but You. Lord Jesus, may I be honest here? Please guard my heart, O Lord, so I may not sin with my words. But truly, Lord Jesus, I want to pour out my heart to You.
Lord Jesus, You know my heart more than I do. But I believe that I wasn’t looking for love months ago. I was content being single. And when (person) was in the picture, I asked You, O Lord, to examine my heart and judge if I was ready for the gift of relationship. I asked for Your guidance, O Lord. And You made me believe that he would become my husband. Lord Jesus, why? Why gave me hope, then took it away? Are You punishing me, O God? If You are, I repent of my sins, O God. Everything evil in Your sight that I have done, intentionally or unintentionally. Please forgive me. Please have mercy on me, Lord Jesus. O God, why did You say no to (person)? My soul loves him, O God. Am I not good enough for him, O God? Am I not worthy of Your son, (person), O God? If You, the All-Knowing God, knew that I wasn’t suitable for (person), why did You allow me to go through another heartbreak, O God?
Lord Jesus, my heart is sick. Sick from the heartbreak. Sick from the uncertainty about my next step. Sick from Your silence. Sick from the bitterness that is growing in my heart. Lord Jesus, if You do not save my faith, I don’t know who will. Please do not allow my faith to fail, O God. My faith is still small and weak; please fortify my faith, O God.
Lord Jesus, please heal me from my sickness. Please do not allow me to grow bitter toward You. God, please let me know that You are near, that You hear me, and that You have not abandoned me. Lord, why won’t You allow me to hear from You? Am I not a sheep of Yours? If I am not, then, Lord Jesus, I want to be Your sheep. I want You to be my Shepherd.
Shepherd Jesus, please lead me back to You. I don’t know my way anymore. I am lost. I need You to bring me back to You. My faith is failing. I don’t know how to move forward. If you don’t lead me, O God, who will? I want to keep singing worship songs and praises to You. O God, but it’s getting hard. I wish I had faith that could move a mountain, but I don’t. My faith is really small. O Lord, please fortify my faith. Please do not allow my faith to fail. Please encourage me, Lord Jesus. Please speak to me.
Lord Jesus, my mom and sister, look at them! Have mercy on them, O God! I don’t even know how to explain to them that (person) and I separated because You told him that it’s not Your will for us to continue. What would they think of You, O God? And even my sister believes that You would bless whatever I choose, and I choose to follow Your will, and yet You have been silent to me. I am asking for a confirmation and You have not given me. (Note: On top of the heartbreak, I was also discerning the next step of my life and whether I should continue in the work I was doing. My prayer was simple: if God wanted me to continue, I asked Him to change my heart toward my work and strengthen me, trusting that He was able to do so. Otherwise, I asked Him to give me the courage I lacked to step away. By that point, I had been praying for over two months, yet I was still uncertain about what to do. I had no peace about staying, nor did I have peace about leaving. About a month later, however, several circumstances lined up within a short span of time, and I believe God orchestrated them. Through these circumstances, it became clearer to me which direction I should take, and that gave me the courage to move forward into the next chapter of my life.) If you have, forgive my hardened heart and ignorance, O God. But can we try again, O Lord? O God, do You not care what I do? Please instruct me. Help me trust in You, O God. Please do not put me to shame for putting my faith and hope in You. Please strengthen me, O God.
Do not allow me to become a lost sheep, O Lord. But please, lead me back to You. I feel like dying, Lord Jesus. Please help me.
