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Today, as part of Church of the City’s Send Saturday, a fellow participant and I walked around Central Park to pray and share the good news of Jesus Christ.

We got to talk with a man originally from Canada who had been traveling alone for over 80 days. At first, we hesitated a little to approach him because he was smoking a cigarette. However, my partner, in particular, felt that God had highlighted him to her, so we decided to approach him and ask if there was anything we could pray for him about.

He shared that he had recently retired and was in a season of seeking God’s will for what comes next in his life, while also recovering from alcoholism. We prayed for him, and my partner continued by sharing her own experience of struggling with shame and guilt, feeling as though she needed to punish herself for her mistakes. More recently, however, God had been teaching her that we are clothed in garments of salvation and robes of righteousness, and that God sees us as He sees Jesus.

Isaiah 61:10

I will greatly rejoice in the LORD; my soul shall exult in my God, for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation; he has covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

God is so, so good. Even as an unworthy laborer, I am continually overwhelmed by just how intentional He is with His children. He nudged us to talk to this man, and we got to encourage him and remind him that God sees him and that he does not have to walk the road to recovery burdened by guilt and shame.

Can you imagine being far from home, traveling on your own and seeking God, only for Him to send people to speak life into you while you’re sitting by yourself in a park?

Yes, we truly do serve a good, good God.

I discovered a song called Kill What Is Left of Me by Theophilus Sunday, and its lyrics express the very prayer I’ve been praying for myself.

I pray for less of me and more of Jesus in my life. May I decrease so that He may increase. May God continue to help me die more and more to myself. May I continue to be humbled. And when my time on earth comes to an end, may I be forgotten, except for the testimony of His grace in my life!

I don’t wanna take Your place in any way
In the heart of men
I don’t wanna stand and sing
And who do they see? Is it me or You?
I don’t wanna stand to preach
And who did they see? They don’t know whether it’s me or You

Lord, change my motive, help me to die more and more
Lord, change my motive, help me to die more and more

Oh-oh, kill what is left of me
So that only You will be seen, O God
Oh, oh-oh, kill what is left of me
So that only You will be heard, O God

I had been discerning whether to share this deeply personal prayer, but I feel led to do so in the hope that it might encourage others.

I wrote this in July, during the most trying season of this year, and perhaps of my life thus far. What made this trial different from the others was that, instead of feeling as though I had been wronged by other people or that my suffering was the result of difficult life circumstances, I felt as though God Himself had led me to hope for something, only to let me down. In other words, I felt as though I was being played by God.

Throughout my Christian journey, I have had to learn to forgive others and accept circumstances beyond my control. In those situations, my faith in God was the only thing that enabled me to forgive and endure. And so, this trial struck me differently because it made me question the very God I had always turned to for strength. I began to wonder whether He was truly for me and, consequently, whether He was worthy of my trust. Satan bombarded me with lies that I was tempted to believe. Some nights, I wrestled with God, but even when I thought my faith would fail, He did not let it happen.

Lord Jesus,

Thank You for Your patience with me. I still praise You, O Lord. I still worship You. You are my God. You are my Savior. You are my Rock. You are my Father. You are my Master. You are my King. I have nowhere else to go but You. Lord Jesus, may I be honest here? Please guard my heart, O Lord, so I may not sin with my words. But truly, Lord Jesus, I want to pour out my heart to You.

Lord Jesus, You know my heart more than I do. But I believe that I wasn’t looking for love months ago. I was content being single. And when (person) was in the picture, I asked You, O Lord, to examine my heart and judge if I was ready for the gift of relationship. I asked for Your guidance, O Lord. And You made me believe that he would become my husband. Lord Jesus, why? Why gave me hope, then took it away? Are You punishing me, O God? If You are, I repent of my sins, O God. Everything evil in Your sight that I have done, intentionally or unintentionally. Please forgive me. Please have mercy on me, Lord Jesus. O God, why did You say no to (person)? My soul loves him, O God. Am I not good enough for him, O God? Am I not worthy of Your son, (person), O God? If You, the All-Knowing God, knew that I wasn’t suitable for (person), why did You allow me to go through another heartbreak, O God?

Lord Jesus, my heart is sick. Sick from the heartbreak. Sick from the uncertainty about my next step. Sick from Your silence. Sick from the bitterness that is growing in my heart. Lord Jesus, if You do not save my faith, I don’t know who will. Please do not allow my faith to fail, O God. My faith is still small and weak; please fortify my faith, O God.

Lord Jesus, please heal me from my sickness. Please do not allow me to grow bitter toward You. God, please let me know that You are near, that You hear me, and that You have not abandoned me. Lord, why won’t You allow me to hear from You? Am I not a sheep of Yours? If I am not, then, Lord Jesus, I want to be Your sheep. I want You to be my Shepherd.

Shepherd Jesus, please lead me back to You. I don’t know my way anymore. I am lost. I need You to bring me back to You. My faith is failing. I don’t know how to move forward. If you don’t lead me, O God, who will? I want to keep singing worship songs and praises to You. O God, but it’s getting hard. I wish I had faith that could move a mountain, but I don’t. My faith is really small. O Lord, please fortify my faith. Please do not allow my faith to fail. Please encourage me, Lord Jesus. Please speak to me.

Lord Jesus, my mom and sister, look at them! Have mercy on them, O God! I don’t even know how to explain to them that (person) and I separated because You told him that it’s not Your will for us to continue. What would they think of You, O God? And even my sister believes that You would bless whatever I choose, and I choose to follow Your will, and yet You have been silent to me. I am asking for a confirmation and You have not given me. (Note: On top of the heartbreak, I was also discerning the next step of my life and whether I should continue in the work I was doing. My prayer was simple: if God wanted me to continue, I asked Him to change my heart toward my work and strengthen me, trusting that He was able to do so. Otherwise, I asked Him to give me the courage I lacked to step away. By that point, I had been praying for over two months, yet I was still uncertain about what to do. I had no peace about staying, nor did I have peace about leaving. About a month later, however, several circumstances lined up within a short span of time, and I believe God orchestrated them. Through these circumstances, it became clearer to me which direction I should take, and that gave me the courage to move forward into the next chapter of my life.) If you have, forgive my hardened heart and ignorance, O God. But can we try again, O Lord? O God, do You not care what I do? Please instruct me. Help me trust in You, O God. Please do not put me to shame for putting my faith and hope in You. Please strengthen me, O God.

Do not allow me to become a lost sheep, O Lord. But please, lead me back to You. I feel like dying, Lord Jesus. Please help me.

If you ask me which trial has shaken my faith the most, I would, without a doubt, point to my most recent one. It led me to question God’s goodness to the point that I began growing bitter toward Him. Calling it a fierce trial would be an understatement.

The experience involved the end of a romantic relationship that I genuinely believed God had arranged. I had fasted and prayed, asking for confirmations, and believed I had received them. One of those confirmations, in particular, felt as though it had been carried out by an angel. The man pursuing me also appeared to be certain. He even told me that the only reason he had moved from friendship (we had known each other for close to a year before that) to pursuing a relationship was that he felt prompted by God. He believed there had been confirmations along the way as well.

After he formally met my mother, but before we moved forward to the next stage of the relationship, I suggested that we fast and pray and stop seeing each other for however long it would take to be sure. He wanted one final, major confirmation from God before committing. I wanted to avoid going through the process of reading books on marriage together, meeting my pastor, and taking other steps toward marriage, only for him to eventually say that God had not given him the confirmation he needed.

After a few days of fasting, he met with me and shared that he felt we were called to different things. He added that he had more peace about not continuing the relationship and believed that peace was God speaking to him.

I was devastated.

I wept bitterly before God for many nights, asking Him why He had allowed me to hope, only for that hope to be taken away. Why would He allow me to believe in one thing, only for the man who had pursued me to believe something different? My questions gradually became even more painful. Was I not good enough for the man who had pursued me? Was God punishing me?

I had reached a point where I was questioning God’s goodness. I felt abandoned, and in that pain, it crossed my mind that if God had abandoned me, should I not abandon Him too? My faith was brought to the verge of collapse. More than once, I had to beg God to fortify my faith because I told Him that if He did not save my faith, who would? And more than once, I asked Him to just take my life.

But God remained faithful. He never failed to send people to reach out to me when I needed prayer the most. On one occasion, He also brought Isaiah 54 to my heart, and the chapter deeply encouraged me.

This experience revealed something in my heart that I had not fully recognized before. I had placed so much confidence in my own faith. I realized how prideful I had been and how much I still treated my relationship with God transactionally.

I always call myself a bondservant of God. And if that is the case, isn’t it up to Him how He wants to use my life? Isn’t He free to give and take away? And should I not remain loyal to Him regardless of the circumstances?

Considering what God has done for me by sending His own Son to die on the cross for my sins, I could serve Him all the days of my life and even die for the gospel, and that would still not be enough to repay His kindness. I could sing praises and worship Him for eternity, and even that would not be sufficient.

The trial lasted for two months. For two whole months, I was bitter toward God. Then, one evening in Dallas, I found myself weeping in a hotel room, lying face down and asking God to forgive me for my bitterness toward Him.

I still don’t think I have all the answers, but so what? Blessed be the name of the Lord! He is worthy of my worship in seasons of blessing and in seasons of breaking. I don’t need to understand everything. If that trial brought me closer to God and helped me grow in Christlikeness, and it did, then that was reason enough!

And I have moved on.

For the longest time, I prayed for God’s will to be done in my life, whatever that might look like. But I feel that God has been challenging me to have joyful and hopeful expectations and to get excited about what is to come.

The day after I repented, I went to the UPPERROOM prayer room in Dallas. During the prayer meeting, the worship leader shared that she felt God wanted her to tell those in the room:

And so, I am choosing to do that. In faith, I eagerly wait for and look forward to what God has in store for me. Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Today, I listened to two sermons during my walks to and from the gym and while weightlifting. The first was Men Marked by the Presence of God by Paul Washer, and the second was When Disillusioned, Focus on God by Peter Tan-Chi. Interestingly, both touched on the topic of faith. What does real faith look like?

Here’s a direct quote from Washer’s sermon:

It is so hard for us to fathom. I talk to my Pentecostal friends sometimes, and they all say that the greatest demonstration of faith is being able to raise the dead. You raise the dead in a Pentecostal church, you are your upper epsilon. They were saying that one day, and I looked at them and I said, raise the dead? I said, raise the dead? That’s nothing for a Baptist.

Raise the dead? That doesn’t require faith. And they said, well, what requires? I mean, what do you guys consider the greatest exercise of faith? I said, for me to look in the mirror of God’s Word, see the dullness of my heart and the many times that I have offended the King of Glory, and then to actually believe that He loves me like He says He does.

For Paul Washer, it requires more faith to believe that God loves us the way He says He does than to raise the dead.

Peter Tan-Chi similarly referred to Romans 8:32:

He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?

He reminded his listeners that if God gave us His best, His own Son, will He not also take care of us? He also pointed out that Satan does not want us to believe that God is for us.

In his sermon, Tan-Chi connected faith to trials. He gave the example of a butterfly struggling to break free from its cocoon. This struggle is necessary for its wings to develop, and skipping this process can be fatal because the butterfly needs it to become strong enough to survive. He emphasized that trusting in God’s faithfulness is what enables us to persevere. In his own words, faith is trusting God even when we don’t understand His ways because we trust His character. That way, we can worship God in the midst of trials because we believe He is good!

Interestingly, all of this also connects with Sunday’s sermon at Church of the City, which I attended in person. The preacher, Billy Sprague, shared that praise is costly, defiant, and public. In particular, his message on defiant praise challenged us to think: Do I praise God in the highs and the lows?

Habakkuk 3:17–18 says:

Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

All of this made me reflect on what faith looks like to me. I used to believe that nothing would ever tear down my faith, but I now realize how prideful I was in my own faith. God eventually brought me through a trial that shook me to the point of questioning His goodness and whether He truly loved me the way the Bible says He does.

I’ll share that story in my next post. For now, I am reminded that faith is not just about believing that God can do miraculous things. In fact, it even makes me wonder: if we measure faith by the miracles God can perform through us, don’t we risk believing that we need to reach a certain level of faith to perform them? And if we do, might we end up idolizing spiritual gifts, such as the gift of healing, or falling into legalism by believing that we need to do more to attain a higher spiritual standing, rather than focusing on God Himself?

If so, I would rather grow in my faith and in my trust that I serve a good, good God.

My sister and I went apple picking last Saturday. There was one apple tree on the farm that produced tastier fruit than the others, so we spent most of our time picking apples from that tree. We even told others they should pick apples from it! This got me thinking about what Jesus says in Matthew 7:

Beware of false prophets, who come to you in sheep’s clothing but inwardly are ravenous wolves. You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits.

I truly feel like I need to have these verses bound in my heart. Throughout my life, I have been exposed to various churches and have met ministers who are well known for their healing and prophetic gifts. I have also met Christians who place a strong emphasis on the gift of tongues, as though not speaking in tongues means you are not filled with the Holy Spirit. Don’t get me wrong, though. I myself am very much a continuationist, and in fact, I got saved in a Pentecostal church in 2018!

But as I have grown in my walk with God, I have come to realize that spiritual gifts can become a stumbling block if they lead me to think that I am somehow more favored by God than others. These gifts are meant to serve the church and build one another up (1 Corinthians 14:12), rather than feed my ego. I have also come to realize that giftedness sells. It’s easy to become more drawn to gifted ministers than to the Giver of those gifts.

I do desire spiritual gifts, but only insofar as God sees fit to equip me to serve others and advance His Kingdom. Not more than that. Period.

After all, Jesus also says later in Matthew 7:

Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’

Now, back to the apple tree. It’s natural to be drawn to what catches our attention, and in church, that might be impressive supernatural works. That’s why discernment matters. What good is a beautifully decorated tree if it produces nasty fruit or bears no fruit at all? If I were a farmer looking to maximize my profits, I would want a tree that produced good fruit, and ideally, plenty of it!

This reminds me of the parable of the barren fig tree in Luke 13:6–9. The owner wanted to cut down a fig tree that had borne no fruit, but the gardener asked for more time to cultivate it. This reminds me that God desires fruitfulness in my life, and I am grateful for His patience as He continues to cultivate and prune me.

And so, it’s not about having the most pleasing-to-the-eye apple tree, but about whether the tree actually produces good fruit. Giftedness may draw attention, but it is the fruit that reveals the tree.

This post is a reminder to myself that giftedness does not equal fruitfulness. I pray that God would help me bear fruit for Him.

And the last lesson, perhaps the most important one, is about forgiveness. I watched a clip of Ashley’s father making a statement during the trial, in which he said that he and his family had forgiven Caleb. How do you forgive someone you believe murdered your own daughter, sister, and mother? Such forgiveness goes against our natural instincts. Yet what is impossible with man is possible with God. It is only through the work of His Spirit in us that we can faithfully reflect the character of Christ, including His heart of forgiveness.

This reminded me of Jesus as He was hanging on the cross. He prayed for those who crucified Him, as recorded in Luke 23:

And Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Similarly, in Acts 7, we read about Stephen, one of the early church’s deacons, who prayed for those who were stoning him:

And as they were stoning Stephen, he called out, “Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.” And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice, “Lord, do not hold this sin against them.”

How does God allow those who depend on Him to undergo such suffering, even cruel death and murder? Guess what? I do not fully understand either. But one thing I know is that He can bring good out of even the most terrible circumstances.

This reminded me of a testimony shared by Pastor Peter Tan-Chi. One of his daughters was sexually assaulted as a teenager by several robbers who broke into their house. The pastor shared how he spent many nights crying and asking God why He would allow such a thing to happen. However, he later shared that when his daughter spoke about forgiving the men who assaulted her during an interview on a Christian radio station, her testimony led to the highest number of calls the station had ever received from people wanting to give their lives to Jesus. What the enemy meant for evil, God turned for good.

And here’s the clip of Ashley’s family’s statement of forgiveness. It has certainly impacted at least one person: me. My faith was deeply encouraged by hearing their words and seeing how they embodied the love of Christ. In his statement, Ashley’s father said:

Jesus tells us that if we want to be forgiven of our sins, we must forgive others their sins. And I want you to know that Jill, myself, and our whole entire family that’s here and everywhere, we forgive you for taking Ashley’s life and also for what you have done to all of us.

I trust that God can use their testimony to touch many more hearts and draw people to Himself. May He use their testimony for His glory.

I also read a news article about Caleb’s parents asking the judge for mercy for their son. His mother described him as someone his peers looked up to, who demonstrated responsibility, hard work, and diligence. To my knowledge, Caleb continues to maintain his not-guilty plea. Only God knows what truly happened. However, I found myself reflecting on a difficult possibility: if he had indeed committed such a crime and continued to deny it, how desperately he would need to humble himself and acknowledge his wrongdoing.

In that case, seeking mercy for him in the form of a reduced sentence from an earthly judge would be insignificant compared to seeking God’s mercy for their son. Ultimately, the mercy he would need most, if he were guilty, would be for his heart to be brought to repentance, rather than simply to be spared the consequences of his actions.

An earthly judge can indeed determine a person’s sentence in this life, but our ultimate need is to be reconciled to God. Jesus reminds us not to fear those who can kill the body but cannot kill the soul, but rather to fear Him who can destroy both soul and body in hell (Matthew 10:28). A life sentence is serious, but eternity is far more serious still.

On the other hand, if Caleb is innocent, as he maintains, I still believe it is wise to seek God’s mercy above all. I hold to the conviction that our battles and struggles are to be fought in the secret place before God. He is sovereign, and He can bring the truth to light.

I am encouraged by the support Caleb’s parents have shown him. Honestly, rather than focusing on where I stand on this issue, I would rather reflect on what I can learn from this case. One conviction I am taking away is that I still have much to learn about where to draw the line between loving our family and honoring God.

This also reminded me of 1 Samuel 2–3, where we read about Eli’s wicked sons, who served as priests. What struck me was that Eli rebuked his sons (1 Samuel 2:23) but did not restrain them from their wickedness. In verse 29, God rebuked Eli for honoring his sons above Him.

Why then do you scorn my sacrifices and my offerings that I commanded for my dwelling, and honor your sons above me by fattening yourselves on the choicest parts of every offering of my people Israel?

This case has led me to reflect more on what it means to build a godly family. It reminds me of the importance of spiritual leadership within a family, especially the responsibility of a father to lead his household in honoring God. Eli’s failure to deal decisively with his sons’ wickedness brought judgment upon his household and had consequences for the nation of Israel, including the defeat of its army and the capture of the Ark of God.

If God ever grants me the opportunity to become a parent, I pray that He will give me a heart that honors Him above even my own children. May I never allow my affection for my family to cause me to disobey God.

Truly, we need God’s wisdom in navigating these situations. May He grant us the courage to honor Him above all else.

Another thing that the Caleb Flynn case has caused me to think about is the weight of appointing leaders in the church. We certainly ought to seek God’s will in every decision, big or small, and even more so in matters pertaining to the church. I believe seeking God’s direction in the process of discerning and electing leaders is essential because He alone ultimately knows the hearts of men. Even the first disciples sought God’s direction in a matter such as this, as seen in Acts 1:

And they prayed and said, “You, Lord, who know the hearts of all, show which one of these two you have chosen to take the place in this ministry and apostleship from which Judas turned aside to go to his own place.” And they cast lots for them, and the lot fell on Matthias, and he was numbered with the eleven apostles.

Earlier this year, my campus Bible study organization was preparing to elect new leaders through nominations and voting by the current leaders, and I happened to be one of them. I felt convicted in my heart to fast, and two friends from the Bible study were also led to join me. We all fasted and prayed for ten days leading up to the election. We asked not only for discernment but also for protection from the schemes of the enemy, as the campus ministry was growing. We were mindful that wolves in sheep’s clothing could be used by the enemy to tear down the campus organization from within.

Now that I have moved on from the campus organization in Baltimore, I am grateful to see God continuing to send laborers who are on fire for Him to serve as new leaders in the campus ministry at Johns Hopkins. This gives me a deep sense of peace as I move forward into the next chapter of my life in New York.

The Caleb Flynn case has reminded me not to take the responsibility of appointing leaders in the church lightly. At the same time, I am reminded of Psalm 127:1, which says, “Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain.” I pray that we would all keep the bigger picture in mind: God must be the one building the house. We can serve in many different ways and take part in all kinds of ministry, but I think we, as the church, ought to ask ourselves: Is God the one building the house? Otherwise, we risk laboring in vain. What matters most, then, is that we keep Jesus at the center of everything we do.

Today, I learned about the Caleb Flynn case. From what I understand, he was a worship pastor, as was the woman he was allegedly having an affair with while his wife was still alive.

I don’t usually follow crime cases or news, but this one caught my attention. All I can say is that I pray God would lead him to godly sorrow and sincere repentance.

While reading comments from people online, I noticed that some questioned whether Caleb had ever been a Christian to begin with. And that made me reflect on what makes someone a true follower of Christ.

Coincidentally, I have been listening to and relistening to this sermon by Paul Washer titled A Sermon That Has Angered Many: Examine Yourself. His sermon is based on 1 John 1:

This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

I agree with Washer’s statement:

The Bible teaches that even the most mature, the most godly Christian is still susceptible to sin. What this is teaching us is this. One of the greatest evidence is that a person has truly been born again, that a person is truly a child of God, is that they will be sensitive to the sin in their life and they will be led to repentance and confession of that sin.

Ephesians 1:13–14 tells us that the Holy Spirit is the guarantee of our inheritance. Hence, I agree with Washer that ongoing sensitivity to sin that leads to confession and repentance is evidence of the Spirit’s work in us and, therefore, of our salvation. According to 1 John, Christians are still susceptible to sin, for if we say we have not sinned, we make Him a liar. Yet, as God works in us, His Spirit makes us increasingly aware of our sin and our need for God’s mercy through repentance. However, I would like to emphasize that I am saved not because of my ability to recognize my sins, but solely because of God’s grace through faith in Christ.

To close, I trust that it is God’s grace that this whole situation, including the exposure of Caleb’s alleged affair, has come to light. God could have taken his life away, leaving him no more opportunity to repent, but he is still alive, and I pray that he will turn to God while he still has the opportunity. May God soften his heart and lead him to true repentance. May God also use his story to encourage his fellow prisoners to come to Christ too.