At one point in my life, my idea of an ideal life was to live all by myself in the middle of the jungle. I worked through this with a therapist over multiple sessions, but what really stuck with me was her reminder that even Jesus had 12 disciples! We are never meant to be lone wolves. Funny enough, this wasn’t Christian counseling, and I don’t know whether my therapist had any religious affiliation. I did mention to her at the beginning that my Christian faith plays a big role in my life, though. And praise God! He is sovereign, and He used my therapist to speak to me.

However, even when I was tempted to withdraw and live in seclusion, I did not appear antisocial at all. If anything, I have always been known as a connector, someone who introduces people to each other and brings people together through involvement in various communities and social groups. Even back then, I was known as the person who seemed to know everyone.

Yet despite knowing so many people, I wasn’t satisfied with my friendships. I felt that most people only knew me superficially. To top it all, I also approached friendships more transactionally. Looking back, I realize that I often thought about what I could gain from friendships and communities rather than what I could contribute to them.

But God has changed my heart. I now see friendships as opportunities to extend God’s love to others. In my individual interactions, I find myself asking questions like, What can I bring into this friendship? How can I better encourage this friend? And when it comes to being part of a community, instead of asking myself what I can gain from it, I now ask myself, What can I give to this community?

So, what changed in the way I approached relationships? Pride.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not saying that receiving from our friendships and communities is unimportant. In fact, that is another area where I have had to confront my pride. I have realized that it takes humility to be willing to receive. It takes humility to ask for help. It takes humility to be vulnerable and ask others to pray for you.

Pride, on the other hand, keeps us from receiving. It does not want us to give other people the opportunity to serve us. Instead, it encourages us to feel good about ourselves for always being the one who gives, for being the person others can rely on, and for not needing anything in return.

This reminds me of something Timothy Keller shared in his book The Meaning of Marriage about an interaction with his wife, Kathy. Although he was writing in the context of marriage, I think the principle applies to ordinary friendships, too.

And what is that gospel? It is that you are so lost and flawed, so sinful, that Jesus had to die for you, but you are also so loved and valued that Jesus was glad to die for you. Now you are fully accepted and delighted in by the Father, not because you deserve it but only by free grace. My reluctance to let Kathy serve me was, in the end, a refusal to live my life on the basis of grace. I wanted to earn everything. I wanted no one to give me any favors. I wanted to give undeserved gifts to others—so I could have satisfaction of thinking of myself as a magnanimous person—but I did not want to receive someone else’s service myself. My heart still operated like this even though my head had accepted the basic gospel thesis that through faith in Christ we live by God’s grace alone.

That gospel message should both humble and lift the believer up at the same time. It teaches us that we are indeed self-centered sinners. It perforates our illusions about our goodness and superiority. But the gospel also fills us with more love and affirmation than we could ever imagine. It means we don’t need to earn our self-worth through incessant service and work. It means also that we don’t mind so much when we are deprived of some comfort, compliment, or reward. We don’t have to keep records and accounts anymore. We can freely give and freely receive.

What stood out to me in Keller’s reflection is the connection between receiving from others and living by grace. If learning to receive means learning to live on the basis of grace, then I pray that God will continue to humble me. I feel that God has been using this ongoing process of confronting my pride to teach me to seek the good of others (1 Corinthians 10:24) and count others more significant than myself (Philippians 2:3), both in my individual interactions and in the communities I am part of. At the same time, He has been teaching me to receive from others with humility.

God has brought me from wanting to live alone in the jungle to learning to give and receive more freely. Before moving to NYC, I was nominated and elected to serve as the Social Committee Chair for my campus graduate InterVarsity chapter and as the Social Director of my research lab. I am grateful for the rich communities God has planted me in and for how He has helped me appreciate these relationships more than I used to. Rather than leaving me feeling burnt out, these friendships and communities have become sources of refreshment for my soul.

I have also come to realize that the transformation God works in us does not affect only us. As He changes how we relate to others, that change can also shape the dynamics of the communities we are part of for the better.

Ultimately, this transformation is not something I can take credit for. It is truly the work of His Spirit in me.